Dear Porcelain Doll

a letter to a thing of beauty

Dear Porcelain Doll,

Much like my American Girl Dolls, you were only ever meant to be looked at. What was it like being propped up on a stand watching while I played with other toys? I guess the biggest consolation prize for you dolls was that you were set on display for far longer than any of my other things. I’m not sure that you were taken off of my dresser until my later teens! That’s really saying something. Also, just as a side note, I’m not sure that you were fully porcelain, but your face definitely was. If dropped, you’d crack and be irreplaceable.

Such as life has been, the last two weeks have seemed pretty harrowing. Not only did we enter the season of Spring, but we also apparently ushered in a new level of torment from this Presidency. Porcelain Doll, I know you’re just as thrilled that the days are longer than they’ve ever been.

The uncertainty that I feel regarding the future of the country, healthcare, women's rights, and in general, the safety of my family has become glaringly breakable. Much like you, PD, it seems like the very face of our fragile landscape could crack at any moment! Too bad too, because your face was super creepy. If I could go back and be a bad kid, I would definitely have tried to drop you. Alas, I was too afraid of the consequences.

What a thought! Being afraid of consequences doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore since there don’t seem to be any consequences for the people that answer The Call of the Void. Weird.

I’ve been presented with some pretty gnarly decisions lately, some that will affect myself and my family for years to come, I’m sure. It’s times like these that I WISH I was a porcelain doll myself! Maybe not porcelain…I don’t have a death wish, but you get the point! Maybe a plush baby doll that was mold resistant? I’m off topic. I can’t stand to stay on topic though because it is breaking my fucking heart to feel so much anguish so often.

I feel like the rift between friends and family is growing deeper and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. Is there anything to be done? It feels pretty life defining.

I find myself thinking about The Holocaust a lot and wondering what people did during dark times when they were not directly impacted by what the Nazis were doing. Did the non-Jewish, CisHet people of Germany and Austria just sit there and hope it would go away? Did they ignore the parts of their families that were persecuted? Did they draw lines in the sand and say, “no thanks, not for me?” I think for the most part that life probably felt pretty normal for the people who weren’t immediately affected. I just don’t know how we, collectively as a human race, can go through something so horrific as The Holocaust and not recognize what is happening right in front of our faces today. Aren’t we supposed to learn from our mistakes?

I guess not.

I know, Porcelain Doll, that there are going to be many times in my life where I will disagree with people I love. It's one of the things you learn about early in life, that you will never agree with everyone, and for that matter, you won't get along with everyone! It is a fundamental lesson that everyone learns in their lives. Differing opinions and points of view matter because we cannot all be right all of the time and we cannot always just listen to our side of the argument. I cannot express enough how deeply I understand these facts of life. Unfortunately, Porcelain Doll, I’m no longer in a casual disagreement; I’m fundamentally opposed to what is happening. It’s becoming quite clear to me that there are many in my life who think that I’m too extreme or think I don’t have enough faith in the system. They’re right. I have zero faith in the system! NAILED IT.

I don’t want to sit around and pretend the world is fine, but I also don’t want to go through life scared every second of the day. It’s overwhelming, exhausting, and generally terrible. I wish I had your poise, Porcelain Doll, and that I could face this with a full face of makeup. Also, were you a baby? Wearing makeup? Or were you supposed to be a small version of a grown Victorian woman? The jury is very much still out on you…

I don’t know that I could have ever maintained my posture if I were put on a doll stand for 20 years. Porcelain Doll, you held your head up with pride and displayed your bright teal dress (or was it red?) with elegance. The things that you witnessed in that bedroom were rough. You saw me through not only my childhood, but my pubescent years and my very endearing, yet awful, early teens. You got dusty and I forgot about you, but you remained in perfect condition until the day you were just no longer there. I’m not actually sure what happened to you.

I could keep going on and on about how disappearing is also sort of terrifying for many individuals in todays’ world, but I feel like I’ve swamped this letter with a lot of emotion already. I appreciate your fanciness and the perfect white ruffles of your petticoat. Did you also have a parasol that was always closed? I might be mixing you and another doll up, but really, you were quite beautiful. You served me in a way only beautiful non-touchable objects can be.

Thank you for your service.

xo

Ally

p.s. The picture chosen is NOT of dolls that I owned, I found this on Google. I do not have a picture of my doll, I did not like it for a long time and didn’t really care about it? I’m honestly not even sure who gave her to me, or when it was gifted. Also, now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not even sure if she was porcelain at all? Maybe she was just so fancy I wasn’t allowed to play with her and just assumed it was because she could break? HAAAA I really do not remember at all. Regardless, the sentiment of this piece remains the same.